so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
