Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
