I wish I could teleport
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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