you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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