Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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