I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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