I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
