John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
