Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
