did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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