The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
