I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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