ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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