Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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