so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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