i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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