when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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