U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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