why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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