Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
