i may or may not be watching the land before time
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
