A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
