was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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