I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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