I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
