Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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