I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
