i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
