Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
