Don't make out with my wife yet
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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