If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
