so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
