Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
