Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
