I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
