Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
