What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
