His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
