maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
