I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
