i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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