he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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