I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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