i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
