I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
