I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
