Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
