the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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