I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
