I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
as a side note pls kill me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
