taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
