I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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