he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize