Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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