So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
