Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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