Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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