once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
